About Me

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I'm 25 and clueless, trying to find my way through a world that is becoming more and more complicated. I'm a single mommy, learning the ropes of parenthood and adulthood and trying not to mess my child up too bad in the process. I moved to Kansas almost 5 years ago from Ohio, where I currently live with my beautiful 5 year old daughter, and our dachshund Oscar. I'm a shy person on the outside, but on the inside I'm a total weirdo. I always speak before I think, (yeah, read that one again) I dance like an epileptic, and I laugh at myself constantly. I love fart jokes and dirty language...who doesn't? And if you're one of those people that don't...well then, fuck you. *fart*

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I'm Gonna Google Your Anal Glands

I rather enjoy my job. Most days. Sometimes I have those days when I feel like burning down the building, but we all have days like that, right? Right? Oh shut up, assholes. You know you’ve thought about it at least once. Anyway, I typically enjoy the company of my female coworker, let’s call her Marci, and her dog. See, Marci has a truly wonderful dog that comes to work with her every day – her name is Shelby, and it’s her job to greet everyone that comes into the office. She takes it very seriously. Marci rescued Shelby from the local shelter awhile ago, and they’ve been best buds ever since.

Well today, Shelby has been chewing on her ass. Constantly. So Marci decided to take her to the vet. When they came back Shelby’s tail was shaved at the base, so of course I was all “What happened?!” Turns out her anal glands were acting up?

What in the HELL are anal glands? And do I even wanna know?


Yes I do.

What can I say? It’s a curse when you have the thirst for knowledge like this one.
*points thumbs at self*

So naturally, I turn to my good ol’ trusted friend, Google. You see, I am an avid Googler. I’m Google-icious. I’m a Google master of the rarest kind. Yeah, you wish you were as cool as me.

So I go to Google and type in “what are anal glands?” and it turns out that they are the things in your dogs’ binghole that allows them to lay their scent. Like, you know how dogs always whiff each other’s asses? Yeah, apparently they’re just sniffing each other’s anal glands – getting a feel for their new friend’s own personal brand of nature made stank. And now I know something I didn’t know when I woke up this morning – courtesy of Google.

Marci used to be a veterinary technician, so she knows all about things like this. So I asked her if anal gland issues are an easy fix, and if Shelby was going to be ok. She was like: “Oh yeah, they just had to drain them, she’ll be just fine.”


*blink blink*

Dude. I don’t even wanna know what that entails.

So I Googled it too.

And I now know how to drain my dog’s butt stank ….or any dogs’ for that matter. So if your dog ever needs his anal glands drained…call someone else. Because then every time I saw your dog after that it would be all weird and awkward...we wouldn't be able to look each other in the eyes, and every time I would try to pet him he'd freak out when my hand got close to his dingleberry zone.  And to be honest I just don’t need that kind of tension in my life.  So google it yourself and get to it.  I'm sure your dog will love you for it.  After the pain in his binghole fades, that is.


  1. You are a brave soul to be willing to do anything to a dog's anal glands. Did I just write that?

  2. I'm willing to do anything with the word anal in it. LOL.. Ok so maybe that's not true, but I just wanted to the chance to say "anal" two more times. Ok 3 more times. ANAL!