About Me

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I'm 25 and clueless, trying to find my way through a world that is becoming more and more complicated. I'm a single mommy, learning the ropes of parenthood and adulthood and trying not to mess my child up too bad in the process. I moved to Kansas almost 5 years ago from Ohio, where I currently live with my beautiful 5 year old daughter, and our dachshund Oscar. I'm a shy person on the outside, but on the inside I'm a total weirdo. I always speak before I think, (yeah, read that one again) I dance like an epileptic, and I laugh at myself constantly. I love fart jokes and dirty language...who doesn't? And if you're one of those people that don't...well then, fuck you. *fart*

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Farts and Daydreams

...My thoughts exactly.

This is the kind of day I’m having. The kind of day where I feel like marching into my boss’s office, dumping a bowl of cottage cheese on his head, and smacking him in the face with a fly swatter. And then I would totally fart as loud as I can and say “I quit!” …and leave satisfied, knowing he will not be able to figure out what just happened for years to come.

These are the things I spend my day fantasizing about. That, and cheeseburgers.


And this is so not a cop out because I can’t come up with a longer post. Because I totally can. They say a picture is worth a thousands words… so if you think about it, this is totally impressive.

*takes a bow*

You’re welcome.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Fuck you, Dora the Explorer. Fuck you.

Dear Dora the Explorer,

Stop yelling! We’re not fucking deaf. Also, stop telling my kid to yell and jump around with you. It's too early in the damn morning for that bullshit. Your voice is annoying, your head is too big, and your shirts are too small. Where the fuck are your parents?!

Apparently you need to be reminded that you can't catch a star and put it back in the sky by climbing a tall mountain and throwing it at the moon. Also, if burglars could be stopped by yelling at them….this world would be a much happier place. You should be trying to get Swiper into rehab instead. Ever heard of kleptomaniacs? You’re a girl of many resources, Dora. Look it up. Your fox pal has a problem.

I also take issue with how presumptuous you are when asking for my help. When I say “no” you act like you didn’t hear me, and you do it anyway. What if I have shit to do, and therefore do not have the time to make climbing motions? How does that help you anyway? Climb the damn mountain yourself.

And maybe I don't feel like helping you with some random lion that ran into in the wild, find his way to the circus. BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKING LION AND IT SHOULD BE EATING YOU. Also, because I've seen you get robbed on a regular basis, come close to being eaten by the cutest freakin alligators I’ve ever seen, and almost drown because your boat had geometrically shaped holes in it. I wouldn’t consider you the best of company. Because frankly, I don’t want to die and be buried in a land of magical farts and rainbows. Or wherever the hell you live.

And how does that goddamn map of yours know the locations of so many places, even though half of them don't look like they're on the same plane of existence? I wouldn't trust him if I were you. I think he's making shit up. I mean, lollipop forest? Hiccup bridge? Really? Either he’s high, or I’m a dude. And I’ve got boobies to prove my case. What do you have?

Welcome to the real world, Dora. You’re gonna HATE it here. There are no chocolate trees or bubblegum volcanoes, and your parents will be arrested for child endangerment.

Let me know how foster care works out for you.



PS – Seriously where did you get the talking monkey with the cute little red boots? Cuz I totally want one.