Ok so I actually thought about this a long time before I decided to post a blog. I mean, who gives a damn about my thoughts and opinions? But then I thought again, and honestly, I think I’m one funny motherfucker. Which lead me to believe that my gift needed to be shared with the world. So sit back and take it, bitch world. You know you like it.
So today, I woke up just like every other morning…looking forward not to the work day, but to the TV shows I get to watch when I get home. Because I’m a real winner. So as I’m getting out of bed and therefore breaking ties with my wonderful dream (which for some reason was about me, going into a mall, and stealing everything I could get my hands on. -Something I could never do in real life, but at the same time was AWESOME. Yeah, I’m a real moral mystery.) I hear my 3 year old daughter; let’s call her Peanut, screaming at the top of her lungs out of genuine fear and panic: “SPIDER! AAHHHH SPIDER! SPIDERRRRR!!!”
At first thought I couldn’t help but giggle, because she totally got that from me. But then I have to run into her bedroom, with my heavy duty boot held high over my head, ready to tackle that motherfucker before it bites her. And I also wanna kill it before it has the chance to crawl on me anytime in the future; because I may be a real tough bitch with a shoe in my hand, but if any kind of bug gets on me I will lose my FUCKING mind. So yeah, I’m a real badass, truly her knight in shining PJ’s. So there I am, in my comfy flannel pants and tank top, with some wicked bed head and pillow marks all over my face – I bet I scared the shit out of that spider in his last moments.
So, after I kill the evil arachnid, (yeah that's right, I know big words) I go about my regular routine. Let the dog outside, shower, make breakfast, get dressed, feed the fucking fish that Peanut wanted so bad but never pays attention to…blah blah blah. Then after arguing with Peanut about how to do her hair, what I chose for her to wear, and whether or not (NOT) she can skip brushing her teeth today, we’re about to head out the door. Then I realized I forgot to grab a packet of drink mix for my bottle of water, so I headed back into the kitchen to grab it. At this point, the dog had already eaten his breakfast, spent a good amount of time outside, and went into the crate. And since the kitchen is in the back of the house, I hadn’t noticed this wonderful little present he left for me until right then:
That shit made me late for work. Yay, Mondays.