About Me

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I'm 25 and clueless, trying to find my way through a world that is becoming more and more complicated. I'm a single mommy, learning the ropes of parenthood and adulthood and trying not to mess my child up too bad in the process. I moved to Kansas almost 5 years ago from Ohio, where I currently live with my beautiful 5 year old daughter, and our dachshund Oscar. I'm a shy person on the outside, but on the inside I'm a total weirdo. I always speak before I think, (yeah, read that one again) I dance like an epileptic, and I laugh at myself constantly. I love fart jokes and dirty language...who doesn't? And if you're one of those people that don't...well then, fuck you. *fart*

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Fuck you, Dora the Explorer. Fuck you.

Dear Dora the Explorer,

Stop yelling! We’re not fucking deaf. Also, stop telling my kid to yell and jump around with you. It's too early in the damn morning for that bullshit. Your voice is annoying, your head is too big, and your shirts are too small. Where the fuck are your parents?!

Apparently you need to be reminded that you can't catch a star and put it back in the sky by climbing a tall mountain and throwing it at the moon. Also, if burglars could be stopped by yelling at them….this world would be a much happier place. You should be trying to get Swiper into rehab instead. Ever heard of kleptomaniacs? You’re a girl of many resources, Dora. Look it up. Your fox pal has a problem.

I also take issue with how presumptuous you are when asking for my help. When I say “no” you act like you didn’t hear me, and you do it anyway. What if I have shit to do, and therefore do not have the time to make climbing motions? How does that help you anyway? Climb the damn mountain yourself.

And maybe I don't feel like helping you with some random lion that ran into in the wild, find his way to the circus. BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKING LION AND IT SHOULD BE EATING YOU. Also, because I've seen you get robbed on a regular basis, come close to being eaten by the cutest freakin alligators I’ve ever seen, and almost drown because your boat had geometrically shaped holes in it. I wouldn’t consider you the best of company. Because frankly, I don’t want to die and be buried in a land of magical farts and rainbows. Or wherever the hell you live.

And how does that goddamn map of yours know the locations of so many places, even though half of them don't look like they're on the same plane of existence? I wouldn't trust him if I were you. I think he's making shit up. I mean, lollipop forest? Hiccup bridge? Really? Either he’s high, or I’m a dude. And I’ve got boobies to prove my case. What do you have?

Welcome to the real world, Dora. You’re gonna HATE it here. There are no chocolate trees or bubblegum volcanoes, and your parents will be arrested for child endangerment.

Let me know how foster care works out for you.



PS – Seriously where did you get the talking monkey with the cute little red boots? Cuz I totally want one.


  1. So funny...lots of swearing but so totally true! It's kind of like aerobics on television...I like to watch them, but I totally do not want to do them.

  2. hilarious! :) all the things i say in my head as i'm waking up to my son screaming "we DID IT!" argh...caffeine. found your blog on cafemom! so glad i have bcause you're hilarious!

  3. Thanks, Lua! Yay I have a fan!! lol thanks for reading :)