If wishes were fishes, we’d all smell fucking awful.

So, someone asked me the other day: “If you could have one wish, guilt free, consequence free, what would it be?”

Well, what an interesting question. There are so many things this world needs that a simple wish could fix. World Peace. Universal Healthcare. Cure cancer. End World Hunger. Go back in time and kill Hitler. It all sounds so lovely, doesn’t it? A wish like this would be a big responsibility, know what I mean? I have such a big heart, and I would love to use that wish for the better of mankind. I hardly had to think about it.

So, what would I wish for? It's a no-brainer. I'd wish for the ability to teleport at will.

I'm so awesome for thinking of that.

Yeah, I know I’m a selfish bitch. But you have to admit that being able to do that would be fucking awesome and you would all be totally jealous.

What would I do with such a talent, you ask?

*rubs hands together maniacally*

This is where it gets good. I mean, an ability like this has some real promise. So get this - I would totally use it to work for the government. I mean, how much money could Obama save on his campaign if he never had to worry about transportation costs? Or personal protection? Would he even have a need for the secret service anymore?

“What’s that, Mr. President? A dangerous man in the crowd? Holy shit, he has a gun?! Hold onto your nuts, sir. We’re fucking outta here.” And then I’d cross my arms and blink like Barbara Eden just for effect and we'd disappear and everyone in the world would be like: “She’s so fucking cool, I want to be her friend and buy her lavish gifts and pay for her children’s college education.” And I’d totally allow that because hey, college ain’t cheap. And I really like designer purses, but I’m too cheap to buy them for myself. So get out your credit cards and get to shopping, douchebags. FYI, my favorite color is pink.

And Mr. Obama would definitely have to let me live in the White House to make sure he was secure at all times. We would be freakin’ besties. Our adorable children would get along perfectly and be best friends, and Michelle and I would do Zumba together. I have no idea what the fuck Zumba really is, but the name alone makes it sound fun so I’m totally in. And Michelle seems like a real cool lady so I bet she’d have some interesting ideas about how to use my newfound ability for the greater good. I mean, I’m going to need someone in my corner with a strong moral compass to keep me on the straight and narrow. Otherwise I’ll just be teleporting into men’s dressing rooms all the time and otherwise wreaking widespread havoc just for the pure fun of it all.

And oh, the havoc I would wreak. I would love nothing more than to pop into the closets of people I hate and scare the living shit out of them at random, for the rest of their lives. They would never sleep well again...but I would sleep like a baby. The most awesome baby in the history of the world.