Improvisation 101

So, last night Peanut was in the shower gettin all squeaky clean and whatnot. I still wash her hair, because if I let her do it herself, the end result is usually something like:

"AAHHH!!! THERE'S SOAP IN MY EYES!! IT BURNS!! MY EYES ARE FALLING OUT!!! I'M DYING!! HEELLLP!!"

*sigh*

Her shampoo is tear free.


Anyway...I typically just have Peanut come to the side of the shower stall so I can reach in and wash her hair without getting wet. Usually I have to move the "adjustable" shower head so the stream of water isn't right in my face while I'm scrubbing her cute lil noggin. So I reached up to adjust it - and it snapped off. So now, instead of water coming from the lovely massaging shower head, it's shooting from the wall at 100 mph. Naturally, I screamed like a little girl. My entire bathroom became one big shower - no surface was safe from the scalding hot assault.

Here's a picture for your mind's eye: I'm screaming, Peanut is screaming, the dog is barking, and water is everywhere. I'm soaking wet and my mascara is running down my face, so I look like a really effeminate football player. Peanut is wet and soapy and scrambling to get out of the way, and the dog is trying to bite the stream of water shooting from the wall. Sorta like this:

You would think my first impulse would be to SHUT THE DAMN WATER OFF. Nope. My first impulse was to try to block the stream of water with my hand. Because that's totally gonna make it stop. And just in case you're wondering - no. There was no logic behind that thought. Just pure instinct, baby.


Finally I figure out that I can make it stop by turning those little knobby thingys that have H and C on them.

*lightbulb clicking on in mind*

Yay! I stopped the geyser!

*angels singing*

I handled that shit like a pro. Just like the water company when I forget to pay my bill. I'm so freakin awesome and smart and cool. ....and soggy.


So now, I've got a soapy 3 year old that I need to rinse off. My only remaining option is the kitchen sink. That's right, bitches. I can totally improvise. I mean, I did it when she was a baby so it can't be that hard, right? Surprisingly enough, it wasn't too bad. Peanut was totally cooperative and we managed to get her clean. The only problem I had was lifting her out of the sink when she was done. She was wet and slippery...so I *kinda* dropped her a little bit. But she totally landed on her feet instead of her face, so it's all good.

Then it was my turn. I bent over the sink to wash my hair - no problem there. Then came the brainstorming: how was I going to get my body clean, without plopping my happy ass into the sink and getting myself hurt - or even worse - stuck?  Frankly, I didn't want to end my night by being forced to call 911 and admit to dispatch that I was naked and stuck in my sink.  So I did the famous "washcloth wipedown". It wasn't near as warm and relaxing as a shower, but I didn't want to get a wicked scalding enima either, so I chose the lesser of the two evils.

I'm hoping my landlords will get someone over today to fix it.

I'm not feeling overly optimistic about that, though. I asked them 4 months ago to send an exterminator, and that never happened.  We now have spiders big enough to form their own websites. We practically need a snow shovel to squash those bastards - because when I hit them with a shoe it just makes them angry. Then they say shit like: "Is that all you got? Bring it on, bitch!!"

*shivers*

Damn thug spiders. They talk a big game, but they're bad-ass and they know it. I'm expecting a turf war any day now.