Holy shit, Christmas is almost here!

My mom and brother are coming out for the holidays this year, and I’m totally stoked! They’re driving which kinda bummed me out, because I had some really fucking hilarious TSA jokes all lined up. Meh, whatevs. It’ll still be nice to have them here. Sharing one tiny bathroom with 4 other people was totally at the top of my wish list this year.


*dramatic eye roll*


And of course I have the wonderful “tofu diarrhea” to look forward to. My mom insists that using soy meat in chili is no different than using real meat. It is. A lot different. Regular chili doesn’t give me explosive diarrhea. The taste isn’t all that different – and that’s how it gets ya. You gobble down 3 bowls unsuspectingly, while the soy quietly works its way to your colon for D-Day. And before you know it, you're icing your binghole and throwing away your favorite underwear.

The best part about this year is that I was finally able to afford presents. Before I never had enough money, so I had to use the lame ass excuse that “My presence is your present. Because I’m that fucking cool and I know you’re totally grateful.” Well maybe in my Gramma’s case I left out the f-bomb. No need to burn the only bridge that leads to homemade cookies and endless advice. Seriously. My Gramma knows everything. Also, I don’t know what she’s capable of so I don’t want to make her mad. Never piss off a Gramma. They’re full of surprises.




Fuck you, young people!

Since they’ll be here in just under a week, it’s crunch time. I’ve gotten a lot of things done, so I’m mostly ready for their arrival. The only things I have left to do are wrap the presents, and clean my house. Except for the “cleaning my house” part. Because who wants to do that on Christmas? Or….ever? Cleaning house is the worst. Around every corner is a wall that I have to scrub Peanut’s crayon drawings off of. Or a lovely little poop streak that Oscar left behind on the floor while doing that hilarious ass-dragging thing. And let’s be honest here - I can’t even get mad when he does it because I’m laughing so hard I can’t see straight. The ass-dragging is one of my favorite things in the world. The simplistic beauty of it is something to be admired. 


So, bloggers….I would like to take this opportunity to wish you good tidings. Happy Chanukah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, or whatever the hell you celebrate. That’s right assholes, I can totally be sensitive and politically correct. I just don’t like to do it very often. Because raising expectations is never a good idea.

See you next year, douchebags!!